Farmyard Fridays #5: Drink Pony Drink

Horses have been getting some mixed press recently. The general public have gone all Daily Mail about the issue of secret horse meat in ready meals, whilst a dancing Shetland pony has become an internet sensation. Meanwhile, the media has taken more interest in Kauto Star's retirement plans than the Pope's. It's all a bit unclear whether we should be disgusted by horses or add them on Facebook.

DancePonyDance shows a Shetland pony with an immense amount of confidence moonwalking his way around a field to Fleetwood Mac's 'Everywhere' (tune). This one's not waiting for somebody else to make a fool of themselves on the dancefloor first, or lurking uneasily at the edges of the herd hoping nobody notices him. Nope, this pony is living in the moment.

For most people, this kind of confidence would require industrial quantities of vodka-Redbull. Perhaps, you suggest, Socks (for apparently this is his name) is indeed high on more than the joys of living on a cliff top farm. Farmyard Fridays, however, would suggest otherwise, as drinking substantial amounts of alcohol usually only leads to one thing. A thing horses are not actually capable of.

Unlike humans, horses have a very tight band of muscle around their oesophogus which only allows material to pass one way, from mouth to stomach. Therefore, anything which causes the horse any stomach problems (like too many Jagerbombs) can quickly become problematic. This is why horses are particularly prone to colic. Should any damage to their nervous system occur, the tight muscle can fail to close and horses may then 'vomit' out of their nose or inhale the material and cause themselves pneumonia. Which really would make them feel a little bit hoarse...

So extra kudos to Socks, the potentially stone cold sober moonwalking pony.

Farmyard Fact #5: Horses can't vomit.

That's why this fellow is looking so miserable after a heavy night out; he can't even go for a cheeky TC.

Farmyard Fridays #2: Findus 'Beef' Lasagne

Beef. Horse. Easy mistake to make, isn't it? Both have four hooves, both can jump over fences, both have a tendency to occasionally fall (or be tipped) over and struggle to get back onto all fours. To all intents and purposes, they are very similar animals, right?

Wrong, Mr Findus! You couldn't be more wrong. Horses and cows are very very different. You couldn't begin to imagine how different they are. It should have been glaringly obvious to Findus that what they were sticking into their vat of bolognaise sauce was not bovine but indeed equine.

And how should they have known the difference?

Simple. They should have looked at how the animals got up.

Witness. Here is a cow getting up from having a lie down in a field.

And here is a horse doing the same.

Perhaps this is why we don't like eating Shergar but we're happy enough to eat Ermintrude. After all, the pony above looks almost human-esque as he has a little sit down before continuing his arduous day of grazing, whinnying and generally prancing around. In contrast, the cow looks a bit ridiculous.

Either way, this is Farmyard Fridays Fact #2: Cows get up back legs first; horses get up front legs first.

For shame, Mr Findus.