Farmyard Fridays #11: One Sheep Five Ways

I've mentioned before in Farmyard Fridays that grown sheep can tend to seem a little boring in comparison to their offspring. They definitely don't have the charm and personality that, for instance, goats or donkeys have, at least on the surface. However, I feel I've been maligning the species for a while now, and it's unfair. They may not have the same quirks and foibles of their caprine cousins, but they do have the edge over them in one way: they are super super useful.

Okay, so pigs are notoriously a useful farmyard feature. You can, so I have been informed, use every part of a pig in cooking. This is a pretty hideous thing to consider and I try not to most of the time. Sheep, however, are equally if not more useful, for the following reasons. I give you One Sheep Five Ways - how you can maximise the use of your sheep.

1. Obviously, there is one thing staring you in the face about sheep, at least for half of the year. They have a seriously epic fleece which has been farmed for perhaps as long as 8000 years. Being able to make clothes out of an animal and still retain the animal does set them apart from pretty much every other farmyard creature; skinning a cow for leather does tend to render the cow null and void. What's more, the fleece will grow back and you can do the same again the next year. This may seem obvious but it is pretty incredible when you think about it. Sheep can go from this:

to this:

in sheer (!) seconds in the right hand. And from that can come so many useful things which we use without thinking about them: jumpers and socks and blankets and sheepskin rugs and this oh so useful and decorative set of figures.

(It's a knitted Archbishop of Canterbury! Like, how useful is that? God bless sheep.)

It doesn't stop with clothes though. Oh no. There's more that woolly fleece of goodness can offer up yet.

2. Lanolin. There's a word you'll have seen hundreds of times in your life, but I for couldn't say where I've seen it until recently. There are so many uses for this grease that it's hard to know where to start. Here's possibly the most common household lanolin product:

However, this waxy substance is also used in a variety of cosmetics, as lubricant for some musical instruments and to break in baseball mitts. It's pretty multi-purpose, and whilst some people are allergic to it, it's an extremely common ingredient in many products.

Lanolin is a grease found in the sebaceous glands of wool-bearing animals. Basically, it's the grease in a sheep's fleece. It can be squeezed out before the fleece is used for other purposes as we've already looked at above. So you can not only clothe yourself using your sheep, you can moisturise and generally prettify yourself too.

Your sheep isn't finished yet though. With a bit of training you can absolutely

3. Race your sheep. I think this pretty much speaks for itself. It's not the Grand National or the Derby but look!

It's sheep freaking racing! And jumping!

If this is not starting to make you want a sheep, I don't know if we'd ever be friends.

Of course, all of this requires some effort on your part. Shearing sheep is a skill and I imagine training a sheep to bounce over barrels isn't really a walk in the park. All of this is bound to make you hungry. So why not try

4. Milking your sheep. I know, it sounds disgusting, but sheep produce milk as any mammal does, and whilst goats' milk has been the increasingly popular alternative to cows' milk in recent years, sheep's milk is used in products such as feta, Roquefort and ricotta. It is significantly higher in fats, proteins and minerals than cows' milk, making it more calorific but perfect for cheese making. You can therefore have a munch on your homemade produce whilst wrestling your sheep around a racetrack. It will definitely give you energy.

And then, alas, the end comes to us all. When you've had enough of shearing and training and milking and generally tending to your sheep, you can always

5. Eat your sheep. Dependent upon the age of your sheep, you can produce lamb, hogget or mutton, and the organs are also popularly eaten as offal. Admittedly, it's not the most healthy meat around, with a nutritional profile to beef, but it is pretty tasty. It's very hard to look at this and not feel a tad peckish

And besides, if you want to raise up your next sheep friend, you'll need some fuel for the task ahead.

Farmyard Fridays Fact #11: Sheep are super super useful.

A sixth use for your sheep has come to light in the last week. Sandwiched nicely in between uses 4 and 5, comes this ingenious use for your sheep:

Shakhter Karagandy threatened with disciplinary proceedings over sheep sacrifice ritual before games

It may have worked for them; they did, after all, beat Celtic 2-0, so never rule this sixth use for your sheep out. It is, however, possibly a step too far for some of us, meaning that this particularly hypothetical sheep will be saved from this ritual.

This week's Farmyard Friday is absolutely inspired by a visit to West Lodge Rural Centre in Northamptonshire a couple of weeks ago which was frankly amazing and well worth a visit for anyone with or without children.

(The Return of) Farmyard Fridays #10: Devil-Cat

Before I begin, a little musical number to celebrate.

Farmyard Fridays is back, perhaps not regularly, but at least for this week and at some stage in the future. It has been almost four months since the last Farmyard Friday, and it would therefore obviously seem appropriate to pick up where we left off in April: cats.

Cats are very topical given that one paid a nocturnal visit to my room last week, entirely uninvited and unwelcome at 1.30am. Since then I have slowly boiled in my bedroom at night because I'm now too terrified to open the windows any further than a crack. This is probably now Cats 4 Humans 0, only this time I'm almost irritated by this.

Being afraid of cats is a reasonably common occurrence, or at least a dislike of felines is something I come across quite regularly. People don't like their attitude, their eyes, their general demeanour. It has to be said, they can be very huffy. Gatecrasher Cat, for instance, after falling out my bedroom window sort of huffed around and acted like I was the one being unreasonable. As I covered in April, a perception of cats as being evil can be traced back to Pope Innocent VIII. This view has been developed over the ages to encompass all sorts of things.

This is a Farmyard Friday Fact, but is perhaps rather more tied up in myth and legend than biological fact. However, I think exploring some of the myths around animals is equally as interesting as knowing why goats have rectangular pupils so I am going to plough on because, after all, The Only Way is Bullen.

One myth surrounding cats (and one that did flash through my mind last week when I was inches from Gatecrasher Cat's face) is that they will lie on top of sleeping babies and smother them. It's unclear whether this is actually true or not; I've never read of anybody this has happened to. There have been some scientific(ish) explanations given, such as cats smelling milk or liking the warmth of the baby. However, perhaps a more sociological explanation is possible. To understand it fully, let's go via The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (well it's about a cat, sort of...) where we learn of the background to the White Witch:

"But she's no Daughter of Eve. She comes of your father Adam's...first wife, her they called Lilith. And she was one of the Jinn."

Mr Beaver, Chapter 8.

 

Yes, Adam's first  wife, Lilith. No, don't reach for your Old Testament; you won't find her (believe me, I've tried). Lilith is a figure who first appears in a different religious text, the Babylonian Talmud, a female demon. She sort of ducks in and out of myth and legend until she reappears in Jewish folklore in about the 700s AD as Adam's first wife created out of the earth. From there many myths grow up about Lilith, such as how she mated with an archangel and refused to return to Adam and the Garden of Eden. Suffice to say, the divorce proceedings were edited out of Genesis.

 

In Spain, Jewish folklore developed to see Lilith become a black vampire cat who sucked the blood from sleeping babies. By any standards, she was a busy woman, especially one made primarily out of mud or sand. Also, infinitely more exciting sounding than Eve, but that's by the by. The important thing here, though, to bring us back to the reason we're all here, is that idea of a black cat being somehow connected to demons and the Devil. Here, perhaps, is the reason why people believe cats may smother babies in their sleep. It does sound fairly unlikely, but then so does people burning cats on the say so of the Pope, so never doubt the power of religion in changing  our perception of cats (or indeed any animal - I say again, wait for the Farmyard Fridays Christmas Special).

 

Anyway. Farmyard Friday Fact #10: The suspicions of cats smothering babies in their sleep can probably be traced back to the myth of Lilith in Spanish-Jewish folklore.

 

But, you know, what he says...

 

 

Gratuitous cute cat pic:

 

 





Farmyard Friday #9: Faster than a speeding cat?

Of all the animals featured so far on Farmyard Fridays, cats are probably the most divisive. People tend to either really love cats or hate them. The haters have many reasons, often allergies, or cats aloofness, or their perceived 'evil' status. The latter can be laid at the door of Pope Innocent VIII, who is certainly not innocent of libelling felines; during the Spanish Inquisition he condemned cats as being evil and had them burned. This all backfired though as this led to a rise in the rat population which led to the Black Death: Cats 1 Humans 0.

I like cats, and whilst they're not wholly associated with farmyards as pigs and sheep are, they are an essential part of farm life. It's also coming up to four years since I said goodbye to my lovely cat, so forgive me for indulging myself.

There are hundreds of facts about cats as they are a fascinating and strange species. Perhaps this is another reason why so many people dislike them, as they can be so bizarre and alien. They've made far fewer concessions to humans than dogs have in the process of domestication meaning that you can end up sharing your home with a complete stranger. Dogs live underneath humans' feet, only being allowed out when dictated by their owners and being accompanied on their walks. Cats take themselves off as and when they please and live a very secretive life, only returning when they want an ear rub or some woefully expensive food (did you know you can now get pate for cats? Like, what?) Basically, cats have made us their slaves: Cats 2 Humans 0.

Cats however can boast of defeating us in yet another way apart from being hideously independent and infinitely better rat catchers than us. Everybody knows cheetahs are the fastest land mammal (although only over short distances) and in comparison to them, the humble domestic moggy's 30mph top speed seems pretty pathetic. But let's not compare the cat to the cheetah; let's compare them to other things. Cats can run at the speed limit for built up areas. They can run as fast as a kangaroo can hop and a bear can run. In a race with an elephant, black mamba or squirrel, a cat would win (probably just as well in the case of the black mamba). In fairness to the cat, even a whippet only runs 5mph faster than a cat.

But here comes the biggie, the one which shows that cats are pretty much superior to humans: cats run 3mph faster than Usain Bolt.

Cats 3 Humans 0

Farmyard Friday Fact #9: The domestic cat can run at a top speed of 30mph - faster than Usain Bolt.

Admittedly, most of the time, they're doing stuff like this. Cats 1 Dogs 0.

Farmyard Friday #8: Help a sheep brother out

Something really strange happened today. I looked out of the window and - it was (albeit briefly) sunny. I'm not making this up: it wasn't snowing, it wasn't raining and the sky was something other than grey for a whole series of minutes. Could it be that spring is finally here?

One sure fire way to know whether spring is here or not is whether there are lambs in the fields, and I have a reliable source (Countryfile's Adam - surely one of the hottest farmers ever) that this has indeed happened.

Cue gratuitous lamb photo

Lambs are a very Easter-y kind of animal, and given that my Easter break doesn't end for another nine days, and that I'm not even apologising for that, I figured I could probably spin out another Easter special Farmyard Friday. However, this fact isn't as cheerful as that little chap above would have you believe.

It's always struck me about baby animals that they're just so much more fun than adult animals. Watch calves or lambs or foals or chicks and they're so much more interesting watch than their adult counterparts. Even puppies and kittens gambol about a little more, although perhaps the complete domestication of dogs and cats means that they tend to live their whole lives in a strange suspension of ageing, a little like Louis Spence or Madonna. Farmyard animals seem to acquire a more mature standing much sooner in their lives and stop the skipping around that we see above. Sheep, in general, seem to have their feet much more firmly on the ground than lambs.

And this is likely for a very good reason. Becoming mature, even for humans, is less about getting bigger and having more freedom, and more about taking greater responsibility for yourself and others. Even with their flock-like mentality, sheep must know this, and so their not jumping around with all four feet off the ground is sensible. Because look what could happen if it mistimed its landing:

Yes, it all seem super-funny, until you realise that poor sheep here can't get back up from that position; they are unable to flip themselves back over. Even more worrying, they can actually die from being in that position too long as they were simply never designed to lie on their back. Their digestive system slows down and they fill with gas and ultimately suffocate to death.

Not so funny now, right?

However, you, yes, you can save a sheep's life. If you see a sheep lying on its back, it isn't just chilling. It needs help. With one quick flip over, they're all good again. So help a sheep brother out and flip them over.

Farmyard Friday Fact #8: A sheep will die if it lies on its back too long.

Another cute lamb pic to cheer everyone up after that depressing fact.

Farmyard Friday #7: Little Bad-Ass Donkey

It being the Easter season, it seems timely to discuss the humblest of God's creatures. I mean, it's obvious that donkeys are awesome. This could be seen as a mini-Farmyard Friday Fact, as it's plain truth. In some ways, they are like a larger version of a goat, and as has been seen before (Farmyard Fridays Fact #4), goats are phenomenal. On a purely personal note, an actual farmyard populated by goats and donkeys would be a dream come true.

But I digress.

It would be easy to simply regurgitate the fact that donkeys have crosses on their backs, and to cite the suggestion that this is something Jesus gifted to donkeys in thanks for having carried him into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday (not for carrying his mother into Bethlehem when he was born - hang around for the Christmas special of Farmyard Fridays for that gem). This, however, would be lazy and Farmyard Fridays is not lazy.

As we've already seen from previous facts, many farmyard animals are governed by their relationship with predators. Pigs don't need to look up (Farmyard Fridays Fact #1) because their predators don't come from the sky, whilst goats have rectangular pupils (Farmyard Fridays Fact #4) because they need to see all the way around them. Donkeys, too, have predators. Wolves and coyotes are their natural enemies in the wild, and this has been carried over into their domesticated lives, and this natural aversion to canines has been harnessed in a very constructive manner by many farmers.

Whilst donkeys may seem quite mild-mannered, often used as companions to horses as they are much less flighty and more sensible, they do have a violent aggressive side, and this is most often displayed towards dogs. Donkeys can be used to guard flock animals, such as sheep, as they become very attached to their flock and will do anything to protect them from foxes and coyotes. A well-aimed kick from a donkey will kill a man, so dogs and foxes are an easy target for these guys.

You wouldn't really fancy your chances against this dude, would you?

And they don't just stop at foxes, as this link shows http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbPRjZ9nEVo That is one seriously bad ass donkey.

Farmyard Fridays Fact # 7: Donkeys will attack and kill dogs to protect a flock of sheep.

And here are the cute pictures as promised.

I now really really want a donkey.

Farmyard Fridays #6: Run Rabbit Run

Farmyard Fridays could not resist the opportunity to tie a fact into recent events surrounding the election of a new Pope. Given that Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio has chosen to become Francis I after Francis of Assisi, it seems only fair that this week’s offering in some way references the patron saint of animals. Additionally, it’s almost Easter and I like MaltEaster bunnies, so this is kind of a tribute to them as well.

A famous story about Francis of Assisi explains how he released a rabbit which had been caught in a trap. Having advised it to be more careful in future, he let the animal go – only for it to turn around and come back to him. Even when Francis took the rabbit into the woods, it clung to him and wanted to stay with him. Only when a fellow friar took the rabbit far into the woods did the rabbit understand that it was to live in the wild instead. This is one instance cited as to how animals loved Francis of Assisi, the implication being that the rabbit felt safe with him and was scared to leave.

Which is only understandable when you learn a little about rabbits as they have a lot to be scared of. Reading a list of natural predators of rabbits is a bit like reading a who’s who of the animal kingdom. It seems wherever rabbits are, they have a whole host of enemies just waiting for some rabbit stew. To name just a few of poor Bugs’ worst nightmares, you have cats, dogs, lions, lynx, mountain lions, bobcats, tigers wolves, foxes, coyotes, hawks, eagles, falcons, kestrels, stoats, mink, ferrets, wolverines, badgers, bears, racoons and snakes. And that’s without mentioning humans at all. So it’s no real wonder that the rabbit seemed to prefer staying with Francis than chancing his luck in the big wide world.

There is another level of fear for the rabbit though. Those of a certain age will remember the children’s television show The Animals of Farthing Wood, and how Rabbit had a set of neuroses which would keep a psychiatrist busy for a very long time. Whenever he was faced with anything slightly scary, he’d faint and need to be brought around by his long-suffering wife. I always assumed this was a little quirk introduced by the writers in order to differentiate between the many small burrowing creatures on the programme.

But on further investigation it appears that, for all the masochistic tendencies of those writers, this was actually a rare case of them sparing small children a terrible teatime nightmare. For if they had been biologically accurate, Rabbit would never have woken up from his fits of unconsciousness. Rabbits can actually be scared to death. This is probably no surprise to many still suffering the scars of their beloved childhood bunny dropping dead for seemingly no reason, but it also seems quite a design flaw in the animal itself; you’d think evolution would have removed those particular genes from the pool long ago.

Still, from my viewpoint, I’m glad Darwin’s theory doesn’t seem to have held true on this occasion, because rabbits are cute. However, their being cute is not this week’s Farmyard Friday fact.

Farmyard Friday Fact #6: Rabbits can be literally scared to death.

On a more cheerful note, look at these cute pictures.

Farmyard Fridays #5: Drink Pony Drink

Horses have been getting some mixed press recently. The general public have gone all Daily Mail about the issue of secret horse meat in ready meals, whilst a dancing Shetland pony has become an internet sensation. Meanwhile, the media has taken more interest in Kauto Star's retirement plans than the Pope's. It's all a bit unclear whether we should be disgusted by horses or add them on Facebook.

DancePonyDance shows a Shetland pony with an immense amount of confidence moonwalking his way around a field to Fleetwood Mac's 'Everywhere' (tune). This one's not waiting for somebody else to make a fool of themselves on the dancefloor first, or lurking uneasily at the edges of the herd hoping nobody notices him. Nope, this pony is living in the moment.

For most people, this kind of confidence would require industrial quantities of vodka-Redbull. Perhaps, you suggest, Socks (for apparently this is his name) is indeed high on more than the joys of living on a cliff top farm. Farmyard Fridays, however, would suggest otherwise, as drinking substantial amounts of alcohol usually only leads to one thing. A thing horses are not actually capable of.

Unlike humans, horses have a very tight band of muscle around their oesophogus which only allows material to pass one way, from mouth to stomach. Therefore, anything which causes the horse any stomach problems (like too many Jagerbombs) can quickly become problematic. This is why horses are particularly prone to colic. Should any damage to their nervous system occur, the tight muscle can fail to close and horses may then 'vomit' out of their nose or inhale the material and cause themselves pneumonia. Which really would make them feel a little bit hoarse...

So extra kudos to Socks, the potentially stone cold sober moonwalking pony.

Farmyard Fact #5: Horses can't vomit.

That's why this fellow is looking so miserable after a heavy night out; he can't even go for a cheeky TC.

Farmyard Fridays #4: The goats knew you were trouble

It seems goats are the animals of the moment, particularly when placed alongside Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus in a youtube cut of a music video. Whilst Farmyard Fridays hates to jump on a bandwagon, I’ve always liked goats ever since inventing the Goat Appreciation Society to help pad out a mock CV at school. This is mainly because of the simple fact that goats are awesome, something newcomers to the caprine world (that’s a fact for free: goats are described as caprine) will probably largely fail to recognise.

There are many many facts about goats which are frankly fascinating and there may be many a Farmyard Friday about them. Farmyard Friday Fact #4, however, is especially illuminating.

Many people say goats have evil eyes, but whilst this is not only caprinist, it is also likely based upon a lack of understanding of what is precisely so amazing about goats’ eyes. Perhaps this picture will illustrate.

 

Goats, unlike humans, have rectangular pupils. This seems completely alien to us: how often in nature do you see something this particular shape? It can make goats look quite beady-eyed and strange, and everybody knows how what we don’t understand can seem frightening. But there is a perfectly brilliant reason for this, and, like pigs not being able to look up (Farmyard Fridays Fact #1), it’s based upon the relative need for goats to see their predators.

Goats are a sub-section of the antelope family, and like antelopes, would once have been prey to carnivorous mammals such as wolves and coyotes. Indeed, in certain places in the world, domestic goats are still pursued by these predators. Therefore goats need to be able to see all around them with as much ease as possible. The rectangular pupils allow 320-340 degree vision – almost an entire circle. Additionally, the pupils can contract to a far smaller size during the day due to this shape, and so therefore can dilate much further at night, allowing for extremely accurate night vision. Both these factors allow goats to detect predators more than an animal with round pupils.

This is purely one thing which makes goats awesome; Farmyard Fridays will return to this humble creature one day in the future.

But for now this is Farmyard Fridays Fact #4: Goats have rectangular pupils.

This excellent vision fully allows goats to know you were trouble when you walked in.

Farmyard Fridays #3: Why did the T-Rex cross the road?

So many T-Rex jokes, so little time. Poor fella. Funny how his tiny arms are cause for so much hilarity, but if he was human it would be completely un-PC and the sort of thing only Ricky Gervais and Frankie Boyle would tweet about. What’s more, I’d bet my Findus beef lasagne on the fact that nobody would be pointing and laughing if they actually came face to face with one.

Which leads me onto that other much maligned creature in jokes: the humble chicken. There are any number of embarrassingly terrible ‘why did the chicken…?’ jokes which would be simply too tedious to reproduce here. That’s all without mentioning the frankly hideous things both McDonalds and the Colonel do to chickens before covering them in batter and serving them up to drunken people who should know better. Somehow, chickens have become an animal it’s okay to laugh about, whilst horses are achieving some kind of saint-like status in our society.

But no more. Because I have some news. Admittedly not fresh off the press news, as this news was detailed in The Telegraph in April 2008: I’ve never claimed to be quick off the mark. This news however is something which may just blow your mind.

T-Rex. And chicken. Not a disaster waiting to happen, but in fact two ends of a rather large family tree.

Yes, chickens are one of the closest living relatives to Tyrannosaurus Rex, alongside ostriches. Now that you’ve thought about it, it does kind of make sense. Both of them walk in that slightly strange, I-may-be-about-fall-over kind of way; both of them have frankly cold, calculating, murderous eyes. And both of them have some pretty terrible jokes told about them. Which is where you came in.

Farmyard Fact #3: Chickens are the closest farmyard relative to Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Which makes this image a little more disturbing.

 

 

Farmyard Fridays #2: Findus 'Beef' Lasagne

Beef. Horse. Easy mistake to make, isn't it? Both have four hooves, both can jump over fences, both have a tendency to occasionally fall (or be tipped) over and struggle to get back onto all fours. To all intents and purposes, they are very similar animals, right?

Wrong, Mr Findus! You couldn't be more wrong. Horses and cows are very very different. You couldn't begin to imagine how different they are. It should have been glaringly obvious to Findus that what they were sticking into their vat of bolognaise sauce was not bovine but indeed equine.

And how should they have known the difference?

Simple. They should have looked at how the animals got up.

Witness. Here is a cow getting up from having a lie down in a field.

And here is a horse doing the same.

Perhaps this is why we don't like eating Shergar but we're happy enough to eat Ermintrude. After all, the pony above looks almost human-esque as he has a little sit down before continuing his arduous day of grazing, whinnying and generally prancing around. In contrast, the cow looks a bit ridiculous.

Either way, this is Farmyard Fridays Fact #2: Cows get up back legs first; horses get up front legs first.

For shame, Mr Findus.